Over the weekend a friend and I were forced to sit, "Clockwork Orange"-style, through the painfully unfunny trailer for "Did You Hear About The Morgans" before we could enjoy the butter-soaked fun of "Julie & Julia."
The trailer features Hugh Grant doing what Hugh Grant thinks Hugh Grant does best -- playing a yippity man-boy who can't quite grasp the concept of love -- and Sarah Jessica Parker as his humorless wife who's moments from leaving him when they witness a murder.
Then, as if out of a movie, (oh, wait) the two are shuttled into a Montana-based witness protection program where they inevitably learn about horse riding, small town mentalities and themselves.
Bad film aside, there is one major problem that will prevent "Morgans" from being super successful: Sarah Jessica Parker isn't a movie star. She a square peg in cinema's round hole.
After starring as the small screen's greatest dater ever, I get why Sarah Jessica thinks romantic comedies are her best bet for big screen success -- but it's a catch-22. Because Carrie Bradshaw is who most rom-com inclined ladies aspire to be, any character short of her is a failure. And since SJP very intentionally opts for very un-Carrie-like women to play on the big screen, everyone is continually disappointed.
Which is assuming audiences show up in the first place, which history says they don't. Most of her non-"SATC" big screen adventures have been as profitable as they have been entertaining -- which is to say, not very. In her 25-year career, only one other film has crossed the million dollar mark ("First Wives Club") while none of her post-Bradshaw roles have lit the box office on fire.
And while other rom-com staples, like Kate Hudson or Katherine Heigl, can push a subpar script past $100 million based almost solely on sex appeal, SJP comes up short. I mean, the website Sarah Jessica Parker Looks Like A Horse.com offers enough supporting evidence to qualify her for The Breeder's Cup.
Don't take this as me calling SJP fugly, I'm simply saying that to play the lead in a romantic comedy, an actor must be desirable to the opposite sex. And I'm not sure at this point, Sarah Jessica (or Hugh) is really fitting that mold.
So without the support of straight men, SJP has to rely solely on her single ladies -- a demo that spends the entire movie wishing they were watching Carrie Bradshaw. Which is why, although I hate the idea, another "Sex and the City" is the smartest move she can make. Because at the end of the day, Sarah Jessica Parker isn't a movie star ... but Carrie Bradshaw is!