- Last Updated: 10:25 PM, June 21, 2012
- Posted: 10:25 PM, June 21, 2012
Kermit says it isn’t easy being green. Me, I say, it isn’t easy being anything.
What’s it take to be a hot-shot athlete? A-Rod. Shaq. The tennis sisters. Back when he was great, before he hits Broadway — Tyson.
Tech geniuses. Zuckerberg. Steve Jobs. Bill Gates. Those Winklevoss twins.
Creatives who churn out movies like Spielberg, Oliver Stone and Ron Howard.
Fashionistas? Donna. Carolina. Back aways Dior and Chanel.
Today, kiddies, mother will take you on a journey inside the lives of our greats:
Did you know cranky Mrs. Thomas Alva Edison said: “Tommy, enough already with those stupid thank-you gift candles.”
Benjamin Franklin’s wife: “Oy, Ben, about those inventions. Please . . . go fly a kite.”
Mme. Curie’s cousin Irving: “You made WHAT!?”
Mr. Benjamin Thompson Rumford his very own self ground out the first coffee pot in The Year of Our Lord 1806. And a lousy 205 years later he’s in more motel rooms than the Mayflower Madam’s clients.
Elias Howe, when he invented the sewing machine: “Don’t tell me what Oscar de la Renta wants.”
Alexander Graham Bell: “Verizon Shmerizon . . . feh . . . ”
Samuel Morse giving his mother-in-law his room number: “Dot . . . dot . . . dot . . . dash . . . ”
How perchance did Elisha Graves Otis invent the elevator in 1852? Research reveals he maybe tinkered with this idea when some hooker said: “I’m in a fifth floor walk-up.”
And from Column A and Column B, General Tso’s chicken. I happen to personally know this gentleman told his mess sergeant in downtown Shanghai: “Must smell good. Needs MSG.”
The cotton gin’s Eli Whitney to his housekeeper: “Sylvia, I told you, NO polyester.”
Ancient Egyptians patented medical treatments. In B.C. this pyramid-maker hobbled into the cave office of Giza’s only doctor, who asked: “Start with your personal history. Do you pay your bills on time?” Sniveled the patient: “Every bone in my body hurts.” To which Dr. Irving Ho Teph said: “Be glad you’re not a herring” and was the first practitioner to perform knee and leg surgery.
Dr. Robert Atkins: “Celery we’re doing. Bagels with a shmear are out!”
Henry Ford: “There’s an Audi in your future?”
1450. Germany. The Gutenberg Bible’s Johannes Gutenberg to his staff: “Ach. Add an 11th commandment: “Thou Shalt Not Handwrite.”
1868. Samuel J. Carter ate in his Erie, Penn., hometown diner. Result? Carter’s Little Liver Pills.
1829. First words out of the mouth of the Rev. Sylvester Graham, who invented Graham crackers: “We’re out of Oreos?”
1857. Big year for toilet paper. Previously buttocks were improved with pages torn from Sears-Roebuck catalog, which was mailed free. Which gives you an idea what husbands said to do with those dresses their wives picked out. Eventually Sears- Roebuck began charging for catalog — and this is true, no bull — in 1890 two Scott brothers, sitting in their little outhouse, came up with toilet paper.
1900. Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin’s flying machine. His engineer complained: “M’Lord, the name’s lousy. Who’ll call it a ‘zeppelin’?” Answered the Count: “So I should do what? Change my name to Helicopter?”
The Wright Brothers and Orville to Wilbur: “NO. Mom says YOU get the middle seat.”
Jelly beans. A guy named Schrafft dreamt that someday some president named Ronald Reagan would keep a jar of them on his desk.
The cowboy hat. Mr. Stetson to his milliner: “If I told you once I told you a thousand times, NOT five lousy gallons. I’m talking a 10-gallon hat.”
King Camp Gillette’s safety razor cost five bucks. Earning millions he built a 5,000- square-foot home with a 720-square-foot guest house. And even before Nick Nolte, Gillette shlepped around Palm Springs in a bathrobe.
Gadgets are still being created today. Take that ice hotel up in Canada. You heard of Howard Johnson? One night in this hotel a traveler had a frozen Johnson. Inventors are now trying to solve that problem.
Modern traffic experts have determined that when everything is coming your way you should get off the road. You’re in the wrong lane. The Motor Vehicle Bureau is on this signs issue as we speak.
Modifications are coming in the cereal business. Inside information is Rice Krispies may advertise a J.Lo photo on its carton and change the slogan to: “Snap, Crackle and Booty.” However, this has yet to be announced.
But improvement is progress. Next up, at a redneck party the punch bowl flushes.Follow @PageSix