Last updated: 12:33 pm
October 17, 2008
Posted: 4:16 am
July 20, 2008
It does not happen often, but once in a while the urge comes upon me: I want to rock.
So I went to see Billy Joel at Shea Stadium.
Also, I went with my mom, who could not rock if you handed her a bottle of Jack, a Stratocaster and a live bat while blasting "The Immigrant Song."
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You may argue that Billy's rock credentials are suspect, too. But Joel, who played the last two concerts ever at Shea, and Bruce Springsteen, who arrives at Giants Stadium next week for three shows, are two middle-aged gents who would like us to believe that they rock. Who is correct? Let's break it down.
EVER ATTEMPTED SUICIDE? YES=+300 points. Suicide is a hateful, selfish, nihilistic, histrionic act of pure desperation, and you cannot rock more than that. Billy Joel tried to drink furniture polish as an angry young man. He gets another 50 for being committed to the psych ward. Bruce sings about "suicide machines" but never followed through.
BEEN TREATED FOR SUBSTANCE ABUSE?
YES=+60. Billy Joel spent time in Silver Hill and the Betty Ford Center. The only mind-altering substance Bruce mainlines seems to be The New York Times.
ARE YOU ALL POLITICAL AND STUFF? YES=+80. Bruce writes songs with anti-war choruses like "Who'll be the last to die for a mistake?", endorsed John Kerry and does between-song patter denouncing the president. He is really into peace, man, and that rocks. I would also award points for kill-'em-all anarchism, but Billy's patriotic moderation gets him zero.
EVER MARRIED A MODEL? YES=+50. Both score (remember Julianne Phillips?), but Billy gets an extra 50 for marrying a famous one.
EVER MARRIED A ROCKER? YES=+0. Watching Bruce and Patti up there on stage . . . it isn't very rock, is it? It's like two mutually co-respectful adults who have agreed to support each other by sharing a workplace. It's a Dunder Mifflin kind of romance. They have so much in common, it's like they found each other on Match.com. They even dress alike. If, while singing together, they were staring whisky-eyed trouble at each other like J.C. and J.C.C. in "Walk the Line," I might reconsider.
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